I confessed to my Best Friend

April 27, 2018: The Confession

We have the best friendship. We do. I swear on it. I’m really thankful for you. We always have a good time together and especially with the boys. It’s awesome how you’re always down to do shit together. You’ve never bailed on me once and I value that so much. That’s the best thing about you and I appreciate it so much. I want to keep this friendship for as long as it can lasts. It’s different because you’re the only male friend I have right now that I hangout with like I would my girls. And it’s the best. I fucking love it.

I want to do what we always say we should do- like go on trips together and make this summer be the best one and one for the books. I love that we’re really comfortable with each other. It’s one of the hardest things about being friends of the opposite sex because it’s not common. The shit we do, the level of our comfort zone- it’s not common. But I appreciate it so so much.

The hard part about this friendship is that I caught feelings for you and it makes me mad that I can’t get rid of them and I feel like I’m going to fuck up this friendship. I was doing really good about just being friends. Because at this point, I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not. I feel like we’ve invested so much into this friendship and I really don’t want to fuck it up, but I feel like I am. So I want to express where I’m at and maybe the space will help me deal. But to be honest, I don’t want space and I think it’s stupid but I think it’s the only way. I like you, Josh, and I know you don’t feel the same way and that’s okay.

I originally reached out to you in the beginning just to be friends. I genuinely just wanted a new guy friend and when I knew you were single I thought it was appropriate to reach out because you were so cool that I thought, “Man, I need to make him my best friend.” When you told me about what happened with your ex-wife, I told myself I would be there for you from then on. I wanted to be the one you could count on and rely on. Then we hungout and hungout and I started to catch feelings.

I caught feelings seeing how you were/are with Landon. Landon brings out the best in you and every time I witness that side of you, I’m amazed. You’re a great dad. For a while I forgot about the feelings and just went with the flow. I pushed them aside for as long as I could. It all came back to me Wednesday night when you were expressing how you felt about your coworker. Because the way you feel about her is how I feel about you. And it blew my mind bc I felt like you were saying out loud how I felt.

I haven’t had feelings for anyone like this for a really long time so I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what to do with them or how to deal with them. For the first time in a long time I had my heart broken and it hit me so hard I didn’t see it coming. And I’m sad and I just want it to go away. I did my best. I really did. I made it through 4 months of pushing them aside lmao but I think I reached my limit. And I feel so bad because you’ve literally done nothing wrong. It’s all me. But I really want to keep this friendship. It’s the best. We have the best friendship. Even my sister tells me she envies our friendship. So I want to keep it but I feel like I gotta sort out the other stuff and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do that. I honestly don’t.

I confessed to him on Friday night and it’s now Sunday morning that I am posting this and I still have not received a text or a call in response.

That tells me he doesn’t feel the same way and I’ve cried with this broken heart of mine for the past three days.

I pray it’ll get easier throughout the week and so forth.

Like, what the fuck, Kayla

I am at a point in my life where I am stuck between wanting to go on a strict healthy eating diet or just not giving a fuck.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Kayne, I was weighing at 105 lbs. After I gave birth to Kayne, my weight was at 155-160lbs. After two weeks of breast feeding, I was down to 140 lbs. Now, when I look back, I was at a good weight and had the potential to lose more and tone up. Except back then, I thought I was at my fattest point in life. I felt fat, ugly, and worthless. I was an 18-year-old single mom with a newborn and no confidence whatsoever.

Five months into being a new mom, I reconnected with some old high school friends and picked up a habit of drinking and partying. I took advantage of every night that Kayne was staying at his dad’s and would go out with friends just to get wasted. I found myself drowning in my depression with alcohol. It was the only way I could escape reality while falling into a pit of worthlessness. I’m not gonna to lie, I had the best time of my life with my friends when I was with them, but once I was home, I was unhappy and miserable all over again. I would hold Kayne in my arms and cry thinking, “This baby deserves a better mother.” I would literally look at my child, hug him, and tell him how sorry I was for being a shitty parent. I was on maternity leave from my job for two weeks before returning. At the time, I was working as a hostess bringing in customers to their tables and serving their drinks. When I returned to work from my maternity, I barely got hours and my boss had me scheduled to work four hours a week on Sunday mornings for another two weeks before letting me go. His only reason for letting me go was due to not having enough in the budget to pay the staff. What a fucking asshole. He kept the two blonde and blue eyed girls who got hired a year after I started working there. This was the end of January. So from the end of January 2009 to May 2010, I was jobless. I was living at home off of my parents and my son’s child support. Do you see why I was drinking to escape my reality at the time? Which is in fact THE STUPIDEST FUCKING REASON EVER.  I was a worthless piece of shit who clearly didn’t try hard enough to get another job. Instead I went out partying whenever Kayne was staying at his dad’s place.

Summer 2009 was probably one of my most unforgettable summers in all my 27 years of living. I was 18, young, wild, and free…on the weekends only. I met someone whom I was falling for by the second. We would talk every night from May 2009 to August 2009 unless we were physically in the same vicinity as one another. He was someone I could easily open up to and for the first time since Kayne’s dad, I was falling deeply in love with the guy. He was everything to me. Until that August of 2009 when I finally told him how much I cared for him, loved him, and wanted to be with him, all just to be rejected. I thought it was the end of me. There was no way I could possibly fall for anyone else after that. I used up all of my first-time-evers with Kayne’s dad and then I used up all of my heartfelt emotions on that one guy who walked away. And who would have figured that we’d meet up again 3 years later just for him to tell me that he actually fell for me that blissful summer of 2009, but was too fucking scared to admit it to himself. He gave me this bullshit excuse talking about, “I was in love with you. I wanted to be with you. I was just too scared of admitting that I had fallen for you. I loved you so much that I feared if I messed up even once and broke your whole world, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

 We were sitting in my car outside of his place. I had agreed to meet up with him after I got out of class. It was Fall of 2012 and we just sat there in my car with the heater running to keep us warm. I remember thinking to myself just how uncomfortable I was that he was all of a sudden confessing how he felt for me years before. And then he went on to ask, “What if we tried to give it another try? You know, another chance. What do you say?” It took me a minute to responds because the first thing I wanted to do after hearing him out was to kick him out of my car and drive home. It was 3 years too late for me. I already moved on. I was over him. WAY OVER HIM. He also lost a ton of weight from drinking too much alcohol and doing  too much drugs. Even just having him sit in my passenger seat, I could smell the alcohol on him even though he had brought nothing with him when he got in the car.

“Yeah, well, it’s kind of too late to say that because I don’t feel anything for you anymore,” I couldn’t even look at him. I was just uncomfortable. “You know, it’s getting late. I should get going.”

 We said our goodbyes, he gave me a hug, got out of my car, and I drove off immediately. The second I got home, I blocked him off all of my social media and even blocked him off my contact list. I wanted nothing to do with him. It was wild to me, too, because 3 years before I wanted all of him. 3 years later and I wanted nothing of him. Funny how life works out.

From August 2009 to May 2010, I had gained over 20 lbs. and was weighing at 160 lbs. before I finally started working as a Dietary Aid at a Skilled Nursing Facility. Seeing as how I had packed on way too much weight, I began hitting up the gym with my sister, Lili, to tone up the fat I had and lose some pounds. We were on a roll that entire year.

Then I transferred from PCC to Concordia and all of a sudden, my weight increased little by little. By 2015, I was weighing at 170 lbs. and now it is 2017 and I am sitting at 180-185 lbs. In the last 9 years, I have gained a total of 45 lbs. What the fuck, man.

I was searching through YouTube for some weightloss tips when I came across a youtuber named Kylie Aaliyah who lost 30-40 lbs. within 4 months without working out. If she can do it, so can I, right?

Right?

I’m Doing My Best

“To be honest, when I’m staying at my dad’s, it doesn’t feel like I’m with my family,” he says looking down at the sidewalk.

“It doesn’t feel like family? How so?”

“I don’t know,” he takes in a quick breath and exhales. “I feel like I can only eat what he gives me. Like, I don’t have a choice in what I want to eat. I’m scared to ask him to make me anything so I feel like I’m always hungry.”

“That’s not okay, Kayne,” I tell him. “He’s your dad. If you tell him what you just told me, I’m sure he would be willing to make you something you can eat.”

“See, mom, this is why I couldn’t tell you anything at first,” his tone changes and he sounds frustrated but tries to hold it in.”

“What do you mean?”

“You always take my dad’s side. I want you to take MY side,” he says firmly.

“I’m always on your side, son. I just know that your dad really does try his best and so I want to give him a chance,” I explain myself.

“Well it’s not like that for me. When I’m with you, grandpa, and grandma, I feel like I’m with my family. I feel at home. It’s not like that at my dad’s. It’s different.  I feel so lonely at my dad’s and all I want to do is come back home.”

“I had no idea you felt this way,” my heart sinks. I want to hug him and assure him I will never make him feel that way but I don’t want to break the moment. It’s hard enough getting him to open up to me. “If you want, I can talk to your dad about it. Tell him what you told me so he knows.”