I am at a point in my life where I am stuck between wanting to go on a strict healthy eating diet or just not giving a fuck.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Kayne, I was weighing at 105 lbs. After I gave birth to Kayne, my weight was at 155-160lbs. After two weeks of breast feeding, I was down to 140 lbs. Now, when I look back, I was at a good weight and had the potential to lose more and tone up. Except back then, I thought I was at my fattest point in life. I felt fat, ugly, and worthless. I was an 18-year-old single mom with a newborn and no confidence whatsoever.
Five months into being a new mom, I reconnected with some old high school friends and picked up a habit of drinking and partying. I took advantage of every night that Kayne was staying at his dad’s and would go out with friends just to get wasted. I found myself drowning in my depression with alcohol. It was the only way I could escape reality while falling into a pit of worthlessness. I’m not gonna to lie, I had the best time of my life with my friends when I was with them, but once I was home, I was unhappy and miserable all over again. I would hold Kayne in my arms and cry thinking, “This baby deserves a better mother.” I would literally look at my child, hug him, and tell him how sorry I was for being a shitty parent. I was on maternity leave from my job for two weeks before returning. At the time, I was working as a hostess bringing in customers to their tables and serving their drinks. When I returned to work from my maternity, I barely got hours and my boss had me scheduled to work four hours a week on Sunday mornings for another two weeks before letting me go. His only reason for letting me go was due to not having enough in the budget to pay the staff. What a fucking asshole. He kept the two blonde and blue eyed girls who got hired a year after I started working there. This was the end of January. So from the end of January 2009 to May 2010, I was jobless. I was living at home off of my parents and my son’s child support. Do you see why I was drinking to escape my reality at the time? Which is in fact THE STUPIDEST FUCKING REASON EVER. I was a worthless piece of shit who clearly didn’t try hard enough to get another job. Instead I went out partying whenever Kayne was staying at his dad’s place.
Summer 2009 was probably one of my most unforgettable summers in all my 27 years of living. I was 18, young, wild, and free…on the weekends only. I met someone whom I was falling for by the second. We would talk every night from May 2009 to August 2009 unless we were physically in the same vicinity as one another. He was someone I could easily open up to and for the first time since Kayne’s dad, I was falling deeply in love with the guy. He was everything to me. Until that August of 2009 when I finally told him how much I cared for him, loved him, and wanted to be with him, all just to be rejected. I thought it was the end of me. There was no way I could possibly fall for anyone else after that. I used up all of my first-time-evers with Kayne’s dad and then I used up all of my heartfelt emotions on that one guy who walked away. And who would have figured that we’d meet up again 3 years later just for him to tell me that he actually fell for me that blissful summer of 2009, but was too fucking scared to admit it to himself. He gave me this bullshit excuse talking about, “I was in love with you. I wanted to be with you. I was just too scared of admitting that I had fallen for you. I loved you so much that I feared if I messed up even once and broke your whole world, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”
We were sitting in my car outside of his place. I had agreed to meet up with him after I got out of class. It was Fall of 2012 and we just sat there in my car with the heater running to keep us warm. I remember thinking to myself just how uncomfortable I was that he was all of a sudden confessing how he felt for me years before. And then he went on to ask, “What if we tried to give it another try? You know, another chance. What do you say?” It took me a minute to responds because the first thing I wanted to do after hearing him out was to kick him out of my car and drive home. It was 3 years too late for me. I already moved on. I was over him. WAY OVER HIM. He also lost a ton of weight from drinking too much alcohol and doing too much drugs. Even just having him sit in my passenger seat, I could smell the alcohol on him even though he had brought nothing with him when he got in the car.
“Yeah, well, it’s kind of too late to say that because I don’t feel anything for you anymore,” I couldn’t even look at him. I was just uncomfortable. “You know, it’s getting late. I should get going.”
We said our goodbyes, he gave me a hug, got out of my car, and I drove off immediately. The second I got home, I blocked him off all of my social media and even blocked him off my contact list. I wanted nothing to do with him. It was wild to me, too, because 3 years before I wanted all of him. 3 years later and I wanted nothing of him. Funny how life works out.
From August 2009 to May 2010, I had gained over 20 lbs. and was weighing at 160 lbs. before I finally started working as a Dietary Aid at a Skilled Nursing Facility. Seeing as how I had packed on way too much weight, I began hitting up the gym with my sister, Lili, to tone up the fat I had and lose some pounds. We were on a roll that entire year.
Then I transferred from PCC to Concordia and all of a sudden, my weight increased little by little. By 2015, I was weighing at 170 lbs. and now it is 2017 and I am sitting at 180-185 lbs. In the last 9 years, I have gained a total of 45 lbs. What the fuck, man.
I was searching through YouTube for some weightloss tips when I came across a youtuber named Kylie Aaliyah who lost 30-40 lbs. within 4 months without working out. If she can do it, so can I, right?