Beautiful- Bazzi

“It started when we were younger…”

I swear I loved him. I swear I would do anything and everything for him. But I think we both went through way too much at such a young age that we both didn’t know how to overcome those struggles together.

Neither one of us had a driver’s license so we went on a lot of dates by taking the bus. There were times when we would take long walks together to our dating spots. I remember, all we ever wanted was to be able to do more together with a car. We would always talk about going on long trips together. One of our main goals was to drive to the cheesecake factory and try all the different flavors of cheese and ice cream. Because I love cheese and ice cream. In all the years we dated, we were never able to make that happen. Looking back, I now realize that those were probably my favorite memories. It wasn’t about having a car it was just about being together. We would do anything just to be together. Even when the bus stopped running at night, we would walk miles just to see each other.

For 3 years, we either walked or jogged 2 miles, 35 minutes, to each other’s houses late at night just to sneak in and sleep together. Even if it was just for 4-5 hours. It was the best 4-5 hours of sleep. I had really bad insomnia at the time, still do, but sleeping in his arms allowed me to sleep peacefully. There was something about being wrapped in his arms that felt the most at home. It felt absolutely right. Being held, smelling his scent, hearing his heart beat, feeling his chest against mine, was the most soothing sensation I had ever felt. I was in love.

Thanks to him, I learned how to love, be loved, and also how to love myself. I learned that even the most perfect couples aren’t always perfect behind closed doors, but it’s how you balance both the good and the bad that makes you a stronger couple. I wish I had someone I could turn to about how to work through those bad times because then I could have saved Us. Neither one of us knew how to save each other from the pain, the misery, the agony, and the struggle.

“Know your imperfections every angle…”

I don’t want to blame my parents for my failed relationships, but I must say that they had a part in why my first love became my last one. I grew up watching them fight verbally and tearing each other down emotionally and mentally. What was even worse, for me at the time about their marriage, was that I knew they would never leave each other. It was due to our island customs and religious devotions. They were each other’s first marriage and they both vowed to never divorce. They both showed me that no matter what how much you fight you must stay together. They didn’t teach me why you had to stay together. They didn’t teach me how they worked through their problems. I only saw them fight, I never saw how they made up and what reconnected them after a break of fighting. So I thought that the person I love would stay with me no matter how much we fought.

Too bad no one ever told me back then that you can’t expect two broken souls to mend each other’s broken worlds back together. We both had our share of heartaches caused by our family members. We turned to each other for comfort, for safety, and for understanding. We started to rely on each other to make things right instead of working together make wrongs right again.

“Loving me we are beautiful creation…”

We were a beautiful story. We still are. We haven’t been together for years. And I just don’t see him the way I used to or love him the way I used to, but I still love him. I know he loves me, too. He doesn’t show it, doesn’t say it, doesn’t act like it, but I feel it. I’ve known him for so long that I don’t need actions or words to know that he loves me. He just does. Because if you know us, if you see us, if you listen to us, you know that we still love each other. It may not be passionate love. It may not be intimate love. But what it is, is committed love. Empty love. The passion and intimacy died years ago, but the commitment remains.

 

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