April 27, 2018: The Confession
We have the best friendship. We do. I swear on it. I’m really thankful for you. We always have a good time together and especially with the boys. It’s awesome how you’re always down to do shit together. You’ve never bailed on me once and I value that so much. That’s the best thing about you and I appreciate it so much. I want to keep this friendship for as long as it can lasts. It’s different because you’re the only male friend I have right now that I hangout with like I would my girls. And it’s the best. I fucking love it.
I want to do what we always say we should do- like go on trips together and make this summer be the best one and one for the books. I love that we’re really comfortable with each other. It’s one of the hardest things about being friends of the opposite sex because it’s not common. The shit we do, the level of our comfort zone- it’s not common. But I appreciate it so so much.
The hard part about this friendship is that I caught feelings for you and it makes me mad that I can’t get rid of them and I feel like I’m going to fuck up this friendship. I was doing really good about just being friends. Because at this point, I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not. I feel like we’ve invested so much into this friendship and I really don’t want to fuck it up, but I feel like I am. So I want to express where I’m at and maybe the space will help me deal. But to be honest, I don’t want space and I think it’s stupid but I think it’s the only way. I like you, Josh, and I know you don’t feel the same way and that’s okay.
I originally reached out to you in the beginning just to be friends. I genuinely just wanted a new guy friend and when I knew you were single I thought it was appropriate to reach out because you were so cool that I thought, “Man, I need to make him my best friend.” When you told me about what happened with your ex-wife, I told myself I would be there for you from then on. I wanted to be the one you could count on and rely on. Then we hungout and hungout and I started to catch feelings.
I caught feelings seeing how you were/are with Landon. Landon brings out the best in you and every time I witness that side of you, I’m amazed. You’re a great dad. For a while I forgot about the feelings and just went with the flow. I pushed them aside for as long as I could. It all came back to me Wednesday night when you were expressing how you felt about your coworker. Because the way you feel about her is how I feel about you. And it blew my mind bc I felt like you were saying out loud how I felt.
I haven’t had feelings for anyone like this for a really long time so I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what to do with them or how to deal with them. For the first time in a long time I had my heart broken and it hit me so hard I didn’t see it coming. And I’m sad and I just want it to go away. I did my best. I really did. I made it through 4 months of pushing them aside lmao but I think I reached my limit. And I feel so bad because you’ve literally done nothing wrong. It’s all me. But I really want to keep this friendship. It’s the best. We have the best friendship. Even my sister tells me she envies our friendship. So I want to keep it but I feel like I gotta sort out the other stuff and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do that. I honestly don’t.
I confessed to him on Friday night and it’s now Sunday morning that I am posting this and I still have not received a text or a call in response.
That tells me he doesn’t feel the same way and I’ve cried with this broken heart of mine for the past three days.
I pray it’ll get easier throughout the week and so forth.